Why Kenpachi's hair keeps falling out
by Jing269
Summary: A story about Yachiru and her many dates!


**Hey ppls!!!!! This was made for Beastly Rose's(read her story!!) request to me to write a funny oneshot about Kenpachi Zaraki! This is for you Rose!!**

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As he was getting ready for bed, Kenpachi Zaraki sighed. He had just remembered something that he didn't really want to remember. Tomorrow was Yachiru's date. The one that she had been talking about for _all week_. Inwardly, he wondered who it was with. Whoever it was, it better not be Mayuri!!! He wears _makeup_!!!!!! And he's a _guy_!!!! He was still thinking about Yachiru's date when he drifted off to sleep, so he(naturally)had a bad dream about said date.

In his dream, Yachiru's date turned out to be _Aizen_, but he dumped her for Gin. Yachiru ended up being comforted by that gay Espada, Szayel. Somehow, they ended up dating, then getting married, then divorcing, then getting back together through their strong love for one another. In the end, they lived a happy life together with many children and Fraccion…

…and that was how Kenpachi woke up in the middle of the night screaming, _"MY GRANDCHILDREN ARE GOING TO HAVE PINK HAIR!!!!!!!!!!"_

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_The first date_

Kenpachi looked like a mess the next morning. His spikes were limp, his eyepatch was threatening to fall right off his face, and the dark circles under his eyes were even more visible than normal. He even seemed to have shrunk a couple inches. Yachiru noticed it as soon as she entered the room.

"What's wrong, Ken-chan?"

"Nothin," Kenpachi grunted. "What time's your date?"

"Seven-thirty. Oh, I'm so excited!"

Kenpachi grunted. Then he spent the next nine hours on the training field, cutting up thousands of hay dummies. Lucky he didn't have to pay for them or anything. At seven, he came back home and took a shower, careful to wash his hair with soap and spike it.

After that, he went to his room and removed a floorboard to reveal a hollow spot. In the hollow spot, there were several Olympic trophies. True, they were made of cement and the colors were painted, but they would work. He picked them up and placed them on various places in the living room.

Finally, seven-thirty came. The doorbell rang. Kenpachi inwardly braced himself. Then he opened the door.

First he looked left. Then right. Then straight ahead. And finally, down. There was Hanataro Yamada staring up at him, fear in his eyes. Kenpachi almost laughed. This little boy was Yachiru's date?

"Hello, Hanataro."

"H-hello Z-Zaraki-san…"

"Are you Yachiru's date?"

"Y-yes sir."

"Well, let me just warn you that I used to be an Olympic athlete when I was alive. See my trophies?"

"Um, yes sir. Th-they're very nice…"

"Thank you. And did you know I used to be an expert at the hammer throw?"

"H-hammer throw?"

"Why yes. You know when the people grab that chain with the ball attached to it, then swing it and throw it really far away?"

"Y-yes sir."

Kenpachi leaned in close. "Well, that's what I'm going to do to you if you make my daughter unhappy. Got it??"

"Y-yes sir! I would never make her unhappy, sir."

"Good." At that moment, Yachiru came downstairs, wearing a pink jacket.

"Bye Ken-chan! We'll be back before ten!"

"You'd better," Kenpachi muttered under his breath.

However, less than an hour later, Yachiru came home, crying. Hanataro was right behind her, pleading for forgiveness for whatever he had done.

Kenpachi took one look at the scene and roared, "HANATARO!!!!!!" He ran forward, grabbed Hanataro's head, spun it a couple times, and let go. Hanataro flew off into the distance.

"Th-thank you, Ken-chan…"

"Yachiru, what did he do?"

"W-we went to the carnival…and then I saw this pink teddy bear I wanted…but then Hanataro missed the bottles…and I didn't get it!!!! A-and then…he got me BLUE cotton candy!!!!!! And they had PINK!!!!!" Yachiru burst into tears.

Kenpachi blinked. "That bastard."

Hanataro was found two weeks later, muttering to himself about pink teddy bears and blue cotton candy. He never went to another carnival in his life.

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_The second date_

Two weeks later, Yachiru came downstairs and said, "Ken-chan, I have moved on from Hanataro. I have another date, later at three!"

"What?! And you tell me NOW?!?!! Who is it with?!"

"Nuh-uh, I can't tell you!!"

"What!? Why not?!"

"Because you'll beat him up!! I really like him, Ken-chan!"

"That's what you said about Hanataro too."

"Well, that was a mistake. I know from deep within me that he is the one!"

"Pshyeah."

"Don't talk like that to me, mister!!"

"Tch, whatever. I'll go get my trophies." Kenpachi went upstairs and got his trophies, just like before. After a while, the doorbell rang. Kenpachi opened it. There, stood Renji Abarai.

"Oh? Renji, you are Yachiru's date?"

"Yes, Zaraki-san."

"I'll call her down. YACHIRU!!!!!!!"

"What?" Yachiru came down. "Oh, Renji! Hi!"

"Hey, Yachiru."

Yachiru glanced at Kenpachi, worried. "Ken-chan, you won't do anything to him, right?"

"Not if he treats you well. If he doesn't…"

"OK, we get it. Let's go Renji!"

However, after they left, Kenpachi got worried and started to follow them. He was careful to stay in the shadows and followed them all the way to the local ramen shop. After eating, they got up and started to walk to random places. Suddenly, Renji took Yachiru's hand in his own.

Kenpachi was on them instantly. Enraged, he roared, "IT'S ONLY THE FIRST DATE!!!! THAT'S TOO EARLY TO HOLD HANDS!!!!!" He grabbed Renji's head, spun him, and threw him even further than he had thrown Hanataro.

Renji never held hands with a girl until his wedding. Even then, they only held pinkies.

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_The third date_

"Ken-chan!! I have a date tonight at six!!"

"Oh no," Kenpachi muttered. Not those words again. "Are you going to tell me with who?"

"Secret!"

"Oh, come on!! I won't beat him up, I promise."

"Nuh-uh, you have to see yourself!"

Kenpachi grumbled. Gosh, you fling just two of your daughter's dates into the distance, and all of a sudden you're the evil incarnate who can't be trusted with even a name!

"I'm going to go get ready, Ken-chan!" Yachiru raced off into her room.

Kenpachi got up and placed his trophies, as usual. Oh well, maybe it'll be better this time.

At six, the doorbell rang. This time, Yachiru opened the door. Kenpachi looked over her shoulder. To his surprise, a girl stood there.

"Wait, who are you?" Kenpachi asked.

"Why, helllllloooooo there!!! My name is Chizuru!"

"Chizuru? But weren't you a human? But you're wearing Shinigami robes! How did you get into Soul Society? How can you see us? And most of all, WHY ARE YOU YACHIRU'S DATE?!?!"

Chizuru ignored these questions and asked, "So, can I go out with her?"

"HELL NO!!!!" Just as before, Kenpachi grabbed Chizuru's head, swung, and threw her.

"Ken-chan!"

"What? Are you seriously saying that you would've gone out with that girl?"

"…no maybe not. Thanks, Ken-chan."

"You're welcome."

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_The fourth date_

Kenpachi was walking by Yachiru's room when he heard her giggling. Loudly. He tentatively knocked on the door.

"Yachiru? Everything okay in there?"

More giggling. "Fine, Ken-chan!" Kenpachi shrugged and went downstairs. Later, Yachiru came down and said,

"Ken-chan! I found this dating site on the internet and I met someone I like so he's coming later okay??"

"WHAT?! You actually believed those sites? They-" Kenpachi would have continued, but right then the doorbell rang and Yachiru raced off to answer it.

Standing in the doorway was Szayel Apollo Granz.

"WHAT THE F-"

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**The end!!!! **

**R&R!!!!!**


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